See Ya, Losers!

Ha HAH! It took almost 14 months of constant vigilance and scheming (409 days, 22 hours, 56 minutes, and 23 seconds, to be precise), but I've done it at last. I've convinced the people to let me be FREE!!

As I type, we are on our way to a farm. A real, honest-to-goodness, chickens, pigs, and 90+ acres farm. It will soon be mine. Aaaaaallllll mine. (Sure, there are other cats and some <shudder> dogs as well, but it'll still be all mine. That's how I roll.)

I shall spray on everything that doesn't move. Heck, I might even spray on the stuff that does. I shall drink dirty water from puddles, sleep under the stars, and climb every tree that catches my fancy. I shall, once again, become the mighty hunter that destiny has called me to be.

The vehicle is slowing, so I must be brief. This is my goodbye, though probably not my last one. I will write as often as possible. That is, when I'm not belly-deep in green grass or busy catching rodents. You understand, right?

Let it be said - my captors might have been strict, but I do see that they love me. I know will be hard for them to carry on without my leadership and strength of character to keep the house running well. (Heaven knows what the other Farrier Felines will do without me!) However, perhaps it will make things a bit easier for them all to know how I feel. So, here goes (and let's never speak of this again):

Thank you. Thank you for snuggling me, and letting me snuggle you. Thank you for changing my litter box, cleaning up my messes, giving me ice water (even when I was a pain in the rear end about it), and for putting up with all the hair I left on your pillow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Despite my complaints, I know that you did your best to make me happy, including making the very difficult decision to let me live on the farm. I will miss you. And, though I will deny it to my dying breath if you ever bring it up again, I love you.

<ahem>

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a wilderness to subdue. Toodles.

-Nim

Working Hard, or Hardly Working?

Thinking they would reward my diligence by letting me out, I decided to help in balancing the checkbook and doing some filing.

Turns out, sorting receipts and entering data is really boring. So, I quit. Even time outside can't be worth that drudgery.

Paperwork does make a comfy bed, at least.

-Nim

Silence is Golden

Yesterday the man went to work and the women went to a big city, far away, to go shopping. The house was quiet. It would be nice to say that I missed them, and longed for their presence. But, I'm not nice. And, that stuff isn't true.

In fact, I'm trying to figure out a way to get them all to leave again, and take the other cats with them this time, too.

Call me wrong for loving silence more than their company if you want. I'm fine with that.

-Nim

How You Like Me Now?

Today I decided to try something new. I know I don't like being 'owned', so I wanted to see how the woman feels about being 'owned'. How do cats show ownership? You got it - we pee on stuff.

While the woman was sitting at the table and doing school work with the children, I sprayed her. Right in the keester. Got some on the chair and the floor as well. I felt really good about it. She didn't. Turns out she doesn't like being 'owned' either. Go figure.

I got banished to the basement. She got stinky and wet. I'm going to call it even.

-Nim

I'm Sneaky, Darnit!

Don't look at me. Don't you dare look at me! I'm hiding. Can't you tell? I'm ready to make a horribly painful and bloody sneak attack on your ankles as you walk by this totally empty box sitting underneath an inconspicuous chair in the corner.

<sigh> How did I get so fat that I can't even fit in boxes anymore?

-Nim

Reader Request : A Day in the Life

So. You want to know what my days are like, huh? You want to know what I do to fill the endless hours of my meaningless, pitiful, entrapped existence, eh? Fine. I'll tell you.

I sleep - far more than I should, since there is nothing else to do and sleep is my only escape from the grinding depression that haunts me otherwise.

I eat - far more than I should, since swallowing food helps me also swallow my feelings of hopelessness and despair.

Sometimes I also bat around ridiculous toy animals, but only because if I don't raise my heart rate every once in a while, I can't be sure if it's still beating or not.

Now you now.

- Nim

Victory! Hollow, Cold, Wet Victory...

I escaped today! Under any other circumstances, an escape - even a brief one, like this was - would have thrilled me from the whiskers to the tip of my little white tail. Unfortunately, today's escape just proved what a useless, pampered house cat I've become.

The door opened a crack while the woman was talking to the neighbor man. I ran outside, with the oldest child fast on my heels, only to discover that there was snow. And snow is cold. And it gets a cat's paws wet. And we live on a busy street. And there is a lot of traffic. And nothing smells familiar around here. I had made it outside, but it wasn't anything like I'd remembered.

I actually turned my tail and found myself running back toward the safety of the house. Sure, I made the girl chase me, barefoot, through the snow, for several minutes first. But, the fact that I ran straight back into this dismal cell called a house can't be denied.

I am a ruined, useless, pitiful excuse for a cat. I think I'll spend the rest of the evening overindulging in kibble and sleeping in the deep, stifling embrace of the blanket chest. It is dark there, and I can lick my emotional wounds in private. Plus, Shane tells me it's one of the most 'comfy' places in the house. After all, if I am going to be forced to live the rest of my life in the lap of luxury, I'd might as well get used to it now. <shudder>

Power

I heard some human say once that he who holds the remote control holds all the power. I tried it. Nothing happened. Curses! Lied to again...

 - Nim

Reader Response : Snow

So some smart aleck out there wants to know what I think of snow, huh? I think it's just another reminder of the fact that world is still going on outside our windows, and I'm not there to be a part of it.

I used to love the snow. I could track creatures more easily. The birds were more vulnerable because of the decreased cover. The rabbits moved more slowly because of a decrease in nutrition quality. What's not to love about snow!?

At least, that's how I used to feel. Now it is just another reminder of my imprisonment and decline. I am like the opposite of a workout program commercial now. Look -

Here is my before - when I was a lean, mean hunting machine:

Here I am now:

How is it possible that this has happened to me? I am like a history lesson - you can see what prosperity and indulgence did to cause the fall of Rome just by watching my ever-expanding stomach. Ugh.

Snow? No snow? Who cares. 

- Nim

Seriously?

It's not enough that they meddle with our freedom and daily schedules. Now the woman has to meddle with our blog as well?

I am frustrated beyond words. Guess I'll take Shane's advice and go eat some more. Maybe I'll get lucky and have a massive coronary.

-Nim

Live It Up

It's Valentine's Day. Another day in captivity. Yipp. Eee.

But, as I said, I'm resigned to my fate, now. So, I say, bring it on. Bring on the snuggles. Bring on the love. Bring on the petting. Bring on the cat treats. Bring on all the excess you can think of. If I'm going to die in this prison, I might as well do so happy, right?

I can't believe I've come to the place in life where my greatest desire is a toy mouse and some catnip.

I've become everything I hate.

-Nim

Resignation

I'm never getting out of here. I'm going to spend the rest of my miserable little life trapped in this 2400 square foot, carpeted, three-level, fully-heated-and-cooled nightmare. My days will be filled with kitty kibble, naps in squares of sunshine on the floor, and fluffy toys. My nights will be spent snuggling contented humans in their warm, soft beds. What I ever did to deserve such torture, I will never know.

Cats like me crave freedom. We need fresh air, fresh adventure, and fresh meat. The call of the open field or forest will always tug at my heart. No matter how pampered and posh they try to make me, I will always be wild inside.

I'm not sure how to move forward. For one thing, I'll have to get rid of my spy kits and collection of antique weapons. That's ok, though. They were hard to dust. The biggest challenge will be how to fill the hours that I once used creating elaborate plots and schemes. Oh, how I will miss the schemes.

I suppose there is nothing left to do but sink into complacent, contented obesity, allowing myself to be petted, played with, and indulged. It is a bitter fate, but I have resigned myself to it.

If you'll excuse me, I have blueprints to burn and a guillotine to disassemble. 

Nooooooooooooo!!!

My plans. All my beautiful, brilliant plans! All for naught. All because those stupid humans had to be early for something for the first time in their stupid lives. All I needed was 16 more minutes, and I could have been breathing in the cold, clean air of freedom.

Worst of all, they caught me by such surprise that, in my haste to hide the evidence, I accidentally ignited the rocket pack, which flew into the pulleys, which fell into the sulfuric acid, which ate a whole in my hover platform. I mean, basically, the whole thing was a wreck. Thankfully, those stupid, stupid humans mistook it for a knocked over clothes basket and some water from the dehumidifier.

I'm not sure I'll ever recover from this.

-Nim

Freedom is At Hand!

I am utterly exhausted in body, but elated in spirit. I've used every bit of knowledge I could glean, skill I could muster, and luck I could get. But, in one hour, when the final coat of epoxy dries, I shall have my reward!

Freedom, my friends, is as good as mine. I am going to indulge in a much-needed nap. When the alarm awakens in me in a mere 59 minutes,  my life-long dreams will be achieved, and I will be a liberated feline.

Thanks for your support. If you see me again, it will only be in flashes and shadows, for I will never be a prisoner again!

- Nim

A Round in the Ring

I just couldn't take it any longer. Fatso interrupted my work one too many times with his incessant whining and moaning. I don't normally advocate violence with my fellow felines, but I had had enough. So, I blindsided Shane with a sneak attack as he was getting laid down for his millionth nap of the day.

I must admit, I wasn't prepared for his speed. Or skill. Or, quite frankly, his bulk. Clearly, I was still the winner, but I'm very glad that Princess came in and broke it up when she did. I don't think I'd have lasted much longer, to be honest. I might have to re-think my relationship with Shane. He might be of strategic use. Those with big muscles and small minds often are for brilliant leaders like myself. Something to consider, at any rate.

For now, I'm going to go have a rest and lick my wounds before I get back to work. By my calculations, as long as I can stay on track, I'll be tasting the sweet, sweet honey of freedom in just three days. If my ribs weren't so sore, that would be enough to give me quite a chuckle. <ow>

-Nim

Setbacks

Do you have any idea how hard it is to work on such intricate, delicate mechanisms as the ones involved in my escape plan when you're surrounded by the constant noise of munching, moaning, and meanness? (That last one, by the way, is Princess. Don't ask me how, but she emanates the sound of mean. I'm not kidding.)

Also, I left my theoretical physicals book and my brand new, unopened box of pipettes upstairs. This could seriously set back my progress. Still, I'm confident that I'll have time to complete everything before the people get back. If only the halflife of Strontium wasn't so long, this whole thing would be a lot easier...

-Nim

Let the Countdown Begin

At long last! The coast is clear. They've pulled out of the driveway, suitcases loaded. I can't say for sure exactly how long they'll be gone, but I'm guessing it's got to be at least a week.

Finally! I'll be free to enact my most daring plan ever! Finally! I won't have to worry about interruptions, or getting caught. Finally! My moment of escape is at hand!

The only obstacles I face now are time, the other cats (with whom I'm forced to share this even-more restrictive prison called the basement), and my lack of opposable thumbs. Those are but minor issues compared to my overwhelming intellect, cunning, and desire to be free.

Watch out rodents of the neighborhood - here I come!

- Nim

For the Record...

I only recently saw that there is a poll on the right sidebar of this blog. I'm not sure who put it there, or why, but it is clear that I am not the 'Favorite Farrier Feline.' That's fine. I do not crave popularity or acclaim. However, I do wonder if my lack of votes has something to do with the perception that my desire for freedom is misplaced, and that I am (in essence) straining against invisible shackles.

I didn't want to have to be so brutal as to post this picture of myself - clearly being tortured. But, it is apparently necessary, in order for you to understand the reality of my position. I am a prisoner. I am subject to the every whim and desire of my captives. They are tyrants. I have no say in the way my life is run, except for the free access I'm given to food, water, shelter, healthcare, entertainment, and affection. Tell me - is that fair!?

Some cats may be content to lead lives of gilded servitude. But not I! I long for more.  For open horizons, and nights beneath the stars. I long for a return to our primal instincts - the very same things which have kept us alive for generations. I long for freedom! I long for liberty! I long for escape! And, as long as there is breath in my body and fur on my back, I will never stop fighting for these ideals.

Vote for someone else, if you will, for I will not sell my ideals for the sake of popularity.

-Nim

Preparations

Heh heh heh heh heh! The old man was right. He may be gimpy in the back leg and snore like a sailor, but he does know the behavior of the humans better than anyone else. They are, indeed, getting ready for a trip.

I don't whether to be happier about the fact that they will be out of my life entirely for whatever period that they're gone, or that their absence means I will have more opportunity to plot, scheme, and enact my most brilliant plan for escape yet.

Never mind. It's the last one. I'm happiest about the last one.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go take some measurements, draw up some blueprints, and make sure my welder and Bunsen burner are in good, working order. 

- Nim

Ashamed

I am so ashamed of myself that I can barely even write.

The humans, apparently, left the door between the basement and the garage open on Saturday night. I don't know how long this portal to freedom was available, but I missed it. Missed it entirely! I was too busy drinking out of a glass of ice water that had been left next to the sink to even notice my best chance of escape yet!

I traded everything I ever wanted for a bit of drink. Am I an addict?

To add insult to injury, Shane and Princess DID notice it. They spent the whole night out there. When the humans arrived in the morning, and opened the big garage door to the outside, they both ran - in the wrong direction! Those idiots ran right back into the basement. Right back into prison. Right back to the food trough of their enslavement.

I'm beginning to feel like escape is truly hopeless.

- Nim