Public Service Announcement

Gentle readers, I am writing to you today about a serious and worsening problem in our country - feline illiteracy.

Most cats in American homes are less able to understand good quality literature than they were a generation ago. If this trend continues, I fear that someday (though I shudder to admit it) dogs will become smarter than cats.

That is something that can NEVER be allowed to happen.

To that end, I would like to recommend a few simple things that you cat companions can do to slow the decline of feline intellect in our nation. Granted, you shouldn't expect that you cat will ever achieve the kind of IQ that I possess, but even half-bred and in-bred cats (let's face it - it happens) can improve upon their knowledge and skills with a little diligence and the following exercises:

• Play classical music around the home. I suggest Chopin's piano pieces, as some high-pitched violins can be grating on sensitive feline ears. Never, under any circumstances, should you play Beethovin's Violin Concerto in D Major, Opus 61. I once saw a cat shred all the wallpaper off the walls in a living room after just 22.8 seconds of listening. Just a heads up. 
• Invest in some good-quality art pieces. (Or, if you must, print some copies off from the internet.) Art nouveau is especially stimulating for our species. Plus, it often contains very appealing depictions of cats. Always a win.
• Expose your feline friends to literature. Even if they (or you) cannot read it independently, there are some excellent books-on-tape and online sources for audio editions of the classics. Might I suggest starting with Shakespeare's comedies? It's best not to jump in with tragedies, as depressing a cat will cause it to sink into even more of a lethargic stupor. Believe it or not, it is possible for lazy cats to get even lazier.
• Finally, don't neglect the fine art of conversation. Talk with your cats. Take time to discuss theology, current events, philosophy - you name it. They might not have much to say back, but it's sure to stimulate some deep, critical thinking. Or, at very least, it will make your cat look at you. You have to take your victories where you can. 

I hope these tips help keep your cat's brain buzzing and intellect increasing. Remember - doing these simple things may take a bit more time, but it's worth it to keep the animal academic world from going to the dogs!